It's a new day

The news on the adoption front isn't any better today but I've decided that my outlook has to be.

This is a bit long but I wrote it out to respond to something on someone else's blog and I found it very cathartic to have put it down on paper (so to speak) so I felt it worthy of sharing here:

I think what this roller coaster is trying to do is to make me evaluate what we are trying to accomplish and why. I think Michael and I have come to the conclusion that we will wait for our daughter from China even if it takes 2 years.

I started to panic last week and wondered if we should switch countries or pursue other avenues to parenthood. I thought our ultimate goal was to have another child, any child, added to our family as soon as possible before our 7 year old son gets any older. Well it turns out, after some reflection, it's not about that. Michael and I actually really just want a little girl from China. And if she doesn't join our family until Andrew is 9 years old, so be it.

I've read where people have said they were "always drawn to China", or "I just know my daughter is in China", or "my HEART says China has the perfect little girl waiting for us", or the whole red thread thing. In the past I've thought I don't feel any of those things, I'm just selfish, I just want another kid and I want Andrew to have a sibling, I don't care how it happens.

The thoughts I had this week of bailing out of this process were so heartbreaking that I'm beginning to think maybe I'm as sappy as all the others and my heart really is in China. I've become quite attached to this almost mythical little person that may or may not be out there yet, and I want her to come home. If that means not getting her until November of 2007 then that's how it will be.

I'm not claiming that I'm not going to have any more "need a padded room" moments but at least today I feel a lot more peaceful about it all.